My Mother Does Not Have a Trans Child
by Frey Lylark
My mother does not have a trans child. She has a lot of other things: A portrait of her sons dressed as the Army of Helaman next to a portrait of three girls dressed as lace doilies next to a picture of Jesus with a sunlit lamb next to a picture of Jesus as conquering warrior next to a picture of Jesus as a beam of sunlight in a forest in New York. A recipe for a really good juice cleanse. A ring for every year she’s been married. Kitchen cabinets that she tore out, rebuilt, and painted herself. A tiny Christmas village that only comes out of its wrapping on December 1st, with miniature lightbulbs inside miniature train stations and a library and a post office. Seven other children that came out right.
My mother could have had a trans child, once. Instead, she has a messenger account that I don’t check anymore. Sometimes she sends it a new diagnosis. Sometimes she sends it fantasies. If only she’d caught the autism, or the schizophrenia, or the demon possession sooner, her firstborn daughter would be a beauty queen. Sometimes she sends it news. Your brother is married. Your grandmother is dead. Your niece started ballet. Sometimes she asks questions. Do you remember when I took you to ballet? Do you remember President Sister Bishop’s Wife who first taught you that your body was a stick of gum? Do you remember that I love you?
My mother will never have a trans child. She loves other things now. Her photos. Her kitchen cabinets. The messenger account. The hope that someday, if she prays hard enough, there will be an answer from a girl who never existed.
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BIO
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Frey Lylark is a writer, voice-actor, and board games enthusiast from California, living in Cardiff. They studied child development and theatre arts at Brigham Young University, where they met their wife and promptly eloped. After spending a decade working at Disneyland and as a nursery assistant by day and hanging around theatres and film sets by night, Frey is thrilled to finally be sharing their writing. Their previous story can be found in APEX magazine.
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WHY I WRITE
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I love telling stories and there are a lot of ways that I express myself creatively, but writing is wonderfully accessible. I don't have to be well enough to leave my house. I'm not expected to look a certain way. I don't have to build a team or secure funding. I don't even have to be particularly charismatic or likable or charming. As long as I have a piece of paper and a pen, I can write.
Every time I read a piece that resonates or makes me laugh or cry or dwell on it after I've left the page, I'm always fascinated by how it worked. There's something so satisfying about applying a learned skill and seeing my writing improve. At the same time, I'm also trying to shed a bunch of other skills I learned: How to box what I think into a package that feels more agreeable. How to hide the complicated parts of me, the things people might judge or misunderstand. How to suppress specifics that might feel too weird or silly or sad. The process of becoming a better writer is so hard sometimes, but it's so worth it when I write a play or story or essay that I could never have written a year ago and I get to share that piece of me with other people. It's one of the best feelings.
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SOCIAL MEDIA
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Bluesky: @freybytheway